1 Timothy 3:4, “He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect” (NIV)
Balancing family and career calls for tough, unselfish choices. However, if you make the right ones, you’ll look back with joy, and not regret.
John Ortberg writes: “A friend of mine is a professional musician. For many years he made his living on the road. He was becoming increasingly successful. Then three years ago he became a father. He was on the road about half of the time. He realized that when his daughter was about a year old she hardly knew him. He knew he needed to make a change but it was frightening to him. What if his career slowed to a crawl? What if being home more, actually made life harder? He took a job as the head of a music department at a university. He still performs, but he travels now only a fraction of the time. His relationship with his daughter has become a source of pride and joy in his life that he otherwise never would have known. He did have to let go of some of his old dreams, but he has since recorded a best-selling CD and been nominated for a Grammy. Most importantly, he realizes his daughter will grow up a fundamentally different human being now, than she would have if she had grown up with a hole in her heart where her father was supposed to be. By the end of his life he will have a title that means much more to him than Rock Star. The title is DAD!”
Dads, I understand how busy a day can be, trust me! But when is the last time you rearranged your schedule to spend quality time with your daughter?
Coming from myself, as the Epitome of a Daddies Girl, Believe it or not dad, you will forever be the first man she fell in love with! And in case you didn’t know, that means a lot!
Truth is, she will take many of her cues about life from YOU! In fact, YOU will be the image she thinks of when the option of dating or marriage arises. She will remember your character, your integrity, what you did for a living, how you treated her mother, how much time you spent with your children, how did you handle your finances, what friends you had, what were your priorities etc…
Now, you may think that because she’s a girl she’s only watching and emulating mom…but I promise you dad, Her Eyes Are On You Too! She’ll watch you and learn (whether you like it or not) how she should be treated based greatly on how you treat her mother and how you treat her. So have you set a good example for her to follow?
Let’s set the record straight, even if you and her mom are not together, you can still set a great example for her on how a woman ought to be treated by how you treat her mom. In honesty and from experience, you may not always see eye-to-eye, but the two of you made her and the two of you are responsible for raising her. Which means being careful about what you say to her mom and about her mom (especially in her presence). Work together for the sake of your daughter, not for the tit-for-tat revenge many split couples inflict on one another at the expense of their children. Show her how a man handles difficulties and hardships all while maintaining his character and integrity. Set an example so high for her that you can sleep soundly at night even when she’s on a date because you already know she will guard her standards better than a swat team would guard her life! Remember dad, children often emulate our behavior, and that does not mean boys imitating dad and girls imitating mom all the time. Often what women will accept as women, is what they watched their dads offer to women. So whether you and mom are together or not, remember your little girl is getting a lot of her cues from you, which means, don’t show her anything you wouldn’t want to see her do, or have done to her.
In addition, many girls grow up with so many insecurities, that when one knuckle-head says she looks pretty she runs after him for dear life because he just became her lifeline to an ugly-duckling mental image of herself that she can now shed because Knuckle-Head said she was cute! Which is why my dad used to always say baby you look pretty in that dress, or daddy likes that color on you, or wow daddies baby is so smart look at your grades. And did I forget any of it? NOPE! And it was a tremendous blessing because having a boy or man say I looked pretty didn’t move me! After all, I woke up with compliments from daddy every day! All you’re doing is simply saying what he Already Said, and I assure you, that gets you No Brownie Points with me!
In the words of my father: “Until He Does Better Than Me, He’s The Worse Man For You!” Women, Take That One To The Bank!
Unfortunately, not many young girls had that at home. So they seek a poor excuse and substitute for it elsewhere, to their own detriment of course!
However, I had a great example of a father! Was he perfect? FAR, FAR, FAR FROM IT! (LOL) In fact, even he would laugh at that comment! But the examples he set for me growing up were a few of the following, I hope dads you’ll be able to relate to some of them:
1. My dad gave me a compliment every day! It didn’t matter what it was. And it didn’t have to be anything big or major either. I could bounce through the house and dad would say where’s my little angel going? More than likely I was headed into trouble, but to dad his little devil was an angel in disguise! Dads, she needs your approval, validation, assurance and yes even compliments. She needs to hear from you so when she hears it elsewhere, it doesn’t shift her entire life running after compliments from outside the home. And don’t wait until ‘special occasions’ such as picture day, her birthday, graduation, prom and the like, no, even on ‘ordinary’ days, speak confidence into her life. Let her know just how special she really is. You may think this is trivial, insignificant and unimportant, but can I tell you as a counselor, you have no idea how many broken girls and women have sat before me shattered because of the little compliment pieces they didn’t receive from dad, but did receive from boys and men, and it went to their head leading to many damaging decisions, some of which were irrepairable. Dad, start as soon as she’s out of the womb and don’t ever stop. If you’ve lacked in this area, it’s never too late to make a new and great start. Believe it or not, daughters never tire of dad’s approval.
2. My dad always made me feel special! He was a mechanic so he walked in, covered in grease every night from work. But I’d sit up and wait for dad to come home. And when he would walk through the door he would say baby wait right there, dad has to clean up to touch you with your pretty pajamas. Again, sounds so small and simple but in my head, I was so special and pretty that even daddy had to clean up to touch me! LOL! Yes, this caused some over-confidence after a while! LOL! But it taught me great lessons as I grew into womanhood. Lessons such as, don’t just let any man touch you, any kind of way he pleases! Raise your standards high, and lower them for no man. Carry yourself like you’re priceless, because you are. It let me know I couldn’t go everywhere, with everyone and do any and every thing. I was too special, so I had to act like it. Dad taught me that young, and I wish I could say that I’ve always followed that teaching, but sadly, I didn’t. And a lot of the regrets I have are because I allowed myself to be treated a whole lot less than my daddy taught me to! Seeking approval, love, validation and the like led me to compromise quite a bit. But I’m so glad that I continued to bounce back from every fall and walk a little straighter each time, remembering that I’m dad’s special girl, so I should never let anyone treat me any less. At age 46, I live by this principle to this very day! Dads, let her know just how special she is, reaffirm it for her continuously! You will save her from some grave mistakes later in life for sure!
3. My dad was always the first person awake in the house, so when everybody else got up dad had already been outside chopping wood, had a fire in the fireplace roaring, and already made breakfast! To me, dad was superman! But many talk about women or mothers who get up and do this every day, and certainly mine had no problems doing it, but it was a wonderful example to see that my dad could cook, start a fire, put on coffee and be smiling by the time I got downstairs! Dads, let your daughters see how you function in not so ‘manly’ ways. Yes, they need to know dad is strong, can lift things and fix things, but your daughters will one day be wives, and she needs to see in advance a glimpse of what she should be getting in a husband! One who knows how to cook, doesn’t mind washing dishes and clothes, one who will pick up a broom and dustpan, a mop and vacuum. A dad who’s not too masculine to dust the blinds and iron a shirt. Dad let me know that yes, men went to work, and they worked hard, they brought home money that provided food, clothing and shelter, but he also showed me to make sure I married a man who knew how to take care of the house, not just pay for it. My husband washes dishes and clothes, and irons, and dusts, and keeps the Swiffer in his hand more than I do, and I appreciate it because as a wife and woman I never feel degraded by gender or treated as less than or taken for granted. But I married someone who is my partner in all areas. Dad, teach her to see this in HIM, because she first saw it in YOU.
4. My dad always stayed downstairs until mom and the kids all went upstairs and went to bed. Dad would always say it’s a poor excuse of a man who doesn’t ensure the safety of his family. So dad would let the dog loose at night to roam the yard, he would double check all the doors and windows, and wait to hear some snoring before he’d ever come upstairs. I asked my mom how does he do it, she said your father has functioned off of 3-4 hours sleep since I met him and he’s never going to change. And he didn’t. But for some reason, dad doing all of this always made me feel safe and secure. I felt like I was really special that dad had to sit up late at night to make sure I was always safe. It was a feeling of being treasured that I never lost, even when he passed away. Dads, although much of this sounds so small, it will make a big impact on your daughter’s life. So, teach her now what it feels like to be safe, and she’ll avoid all the boys and men that make her feel anything less.
5. I am indeed very proud to say that my daddy could fix anything! LOL! He was a handy-man by birth I swear! You see when you’re born in the 1930’s to a poor black family in New Roads, Louisiana you learn how to fix Anything and Everything! Now grant it, every man is not a Mr. Fix It (No Matter What He Says Or Thinks!) But it always made me feel as though nothing could ever really go wrong as long as daddy was near. If it broke daddy would fix it, if it leaked daddy would fix it, if it barked too loud (daddy would fix it by taking the dog on the southern state parkway and letting him loose….LOL…I’m serious! However, 4 dogs continually found their way back home…to dad’s disappointment!) So dad, even if you can’t fix it, act like it (until you can pay someone who really knows what they’re doing…LOL). In this way, you teach her that broken things are not to be discarded, but worked on and repaired. And that will go a long way in her friendships, relationships, motherhood and marriage.
6. My dad was a musician, lead and bass guitar were his thing. And as much as he loved it, it didn’t pay the bills. He couldn’t afford to be a starving musician, dad had too many children…Literally! But it never stopped him from playing at home. Even something that simple taught me that even when the dream is interrupted it doesn’t have to die! Dad didn’t get paid like he wanted to or travel like he wanted to, but he got to play his guitar on a raggedy amp every weekend and that kept a smile on his face. And as soon as I entered elementary school, the first thing I did was head to the music department! I’ve played the guitar, piano and sang in the glee club! Was I a musical genius….NOPE! LOL! But I wanted to do what I saw daddy do! So Dads, share your dreams with your daughters…even the ones that were interrupted! And another small note, it’s a wonderful feeling to know that dad had the option of joining a band and traveling but instead he chose to work as a mechanic to feed me! That will forever be Priceless!
7. My dad had what most people would call ‘other children‘ to put it mildly! Brace yourself, because there are a total of 10 boys and 10 girls! YES, My Dad has 20 children in total! Only 3 with my mom and she’s proud to say that! But my dad paid child support! I was young and didn’t know much about what that really was, but my mom use to get on him non-stop! ‘All of them are your children and you will pay for all of them!’ Mom always had a unique way of being ‘friendly’ with dad’s baby mama’s and mothering to his ‘other children’. Even to the extent that ‘Step-Brother and Step-Sister’ were Never terms used in my parent’s home! We simply weren’t raised like that. My mom was firm that your siblings are your siblings no matter what! So they would come over or we would go over there, and dad would fuss about those checks but mom would say ‘when you lay you pay!’ Funny thing is, if there was ever any “Baby Mama Drama” it never came anywhere near our home or near any of the children. That might not mean much to some, but it means plenty to me. Mom and Dad’s responsibility to handle All The Children Well Spoke Volumes In My Life! Especially when I would marry a man and have to figure out how to blend 6 children, 2 baby mama’s and 2 baby daddies! Yes, mom and dad taught me well, and I appreciate lessons I didn’t even know I would one day need. Dads, don’t disregard the lessons you teach your daughters. They may seem small now, and she may appear not to be listening, but they’re really huge, and our ears are open more than you think. And not only do we hear it, but one day we’ll use your advice and counsel and it will be to the blessing and benefit of our own families!
8. My dad worked 2 jobs! He worked Monday –Friday and then he had a second job all the way up in Muttontown on the weekends! Dad was always a ‘man’s man’. He believed that a man worked, fixed things, walked the dog, took out the garbage, did the yard work and took care of the family. It’s funny what most ‘Church Folks’ consider to be the ‘Priest of the Home’ looks absolutely nothing like I saw growing up. Today, all you have to be is saved and married to be the ‘Priest’. But what happens to Responsibility? Even Priests Had Work to Do In the Temple! So, Dad, if you have a job, keep it and take care of your family! If you don’t have one, find one! Remember, she takes her cues about men from YOU! You want to set the bar real high so some little rat can’t easily crawl over it! You want for your daughter the eagle that soars instead! Show her that a man knows how to balance his checkbook, and keep money in savings. Show her that dad pays the bills, and on time. Show her what the pension will be, what the retirement savings are looking like, inform her of taxes, credit cards and credit scores. Show here the importance of work ethic and discipline. Show her all the things you want to find in her future husband. A man that takes care of his house, his family, and his finances!
9. My Dad was everybody’s chauffeur! Dad didn’t do laundry, but he would carry the bags to the car and bring them in the Laundromat. He would drop us off and come back and pick us up. Dad drove us to school. Which may not sound like anything major to most, but you see my jr-sr high school was Literally around the corner from my house! LOL! But did I complain? NOPE! Daddy said his princess didn’t have to walk! Hey It Worked For Me! Who Am I To Argue With The King of the Castle?! LOL! Again, just another simple way that dad showed he loved me, cared for me and took care of me. Dads, what ‘little’ ways do you show your daughter that she is loved and cared for?
10. Mom and Dad were the funniest couple on planet earth! Mom passed away in 2017 and dad passed away in 2008, but to date, they are the funniest couple I’ve ever seen. I could never figure out how can they be cursing and arguing one minute, then go upstairs and change clothes and go out to a party the next! They would roll eyes, then laugh…they would slam doors, then he would open the car door for her…They were a riot! Now, their marriage was far from perfect, but they managed to make even the imperfections look pretty good. I loved to watch them play spades, or dance, or have a barbecue or try to out-cook one another. And they always discussed their business of the house in their bedroom with the door closed. I know it’s not all that popular today but there was a time when children knew their place, stayed in it and didn’t dare to come out of it to challenge a parent! And I was certainly that kid! Dad spanked me one time, because one time was all it took for me to realize quickly that I didn’t want to experience this again! But the truth is, dad didn’t have to threaten to spank us, he had one of those voices that made you think God just stepped in the building! LOL! Mom was a totally different can of paint though! LOL! But somehow they managed to work together, differently, yet perfectly! LOL! Watching them over the years definitely impressed upon me that you can make any marriage work…if you both really want it to. Even with all the mistakes, and disasters, and kids, they still made marriage look like fun! Which is a great example to set for your children who will possibly one day marry!
These are just a few things that make me sit back, reflect and smile about My Imperfect Father Who Still Managed to Love Me Perfectly!
Dad’s, if I would challenge you to try anything I would challenge you to ask your daughters to list 5 things they will always remember about you and why…I promise it will be a treat!
And Dads Remember: “He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect” (1 Timothy 3:4 NIV) In a Nutshell: Before You Go Forth In Leadership and Management Anywhere Else, Make Sure You Begin At Home FIRST! Your Daughter is Waiting to Learn Lessons that She’ll Teach to the Next Generation of Daddies Little Girls.
Much Love, Dr. Shermaine #EnjoyTheRead #BeInspired #BeEncouraged #BeEmpowered #BeChallenged
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