“Marriage RIGHTS For When Things Go WRONG”

“Live joyfully with the wife whom you love…”  Ecclesiastes 9:9 (NKJV)

Sonja Ely writes, ‘I was watching my seven-year-old granddaughter play with her toys. At one point she staged a wedding, first playing the role of the mother who assigned specific duties, then suddenly becoming the bride with her “teddy bear” groom. She picked him up and said to the “minister” presiding, “Now you can read us our rights.” Without missing a beat, she became the minister who said, “You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present, you may now kiss the bride.”‘ As comical as that is, you need to know what your marriage rights are! And to start, you must know that first and foremost, marriage is God’s idea!  

In Eden He said, ‘…It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him”‘ (Genesis 2:18 NKJV). The word ‘comparable’ means ‘compatible with his (or her) needs‘. In other words, the person you choose to marry will be Comparable, Not Perfect! They can be Perfect FOR You, but they are in no ways Perfect. That’s why it’s foolish for Imperfect YOU, to get so divorce-driven frustrated every time they don’t meet your cross every ‘t’ and dot every ‘i’ imaginary ideals that you also fall very short of attaining! So, before we start anything please know that it is vital to your marriage that you embrace the fact that your spouse will never be perfect this side of Heaven and neither will you. Which means, we have two imperfect people who need to come up with marital frustration strategies that are comparable for them to keep their covenant intact.

Listen, when you marry someone, you marry everything they’ve been through! Each of you brings your own baggage. And unless you sort out what to keep and what to discard, things can quickly erode. You must also understand that when you leave God out, you create bigger problems for your marriage than who forgot to take out the garbage or wash the dishes! Keep in mind, Satan has made marriage one of his prime targets! He loves to promote strife.  

Which is why when it comes to marriage we must learn to quickly and completely forgive: The Bible says it like this: “Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive One Another As QUICKLY And Thoroughly As God In Christ Forgave You.” (Ephesians 4:31-32 MSG). Why is this so important? Because unforgiveness gives Satan an advantage to tear your marriage apart which is why we are further admonished: ‘If you forgive anyone anything, I too forgive that one; and what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sakes in the presence [and with the approval] of Christ (the Messiah), TO KEEP SATAN FROM GETTING THE ADVANTAGE OVER US; FOR WE ARE NOT IGNORANT OF HIS WILES AND INTENTIONS‘ (2 Corinthians 2:10-11 AMP). You see, the whole purpose of forgiveness is: “…To Keep Satan From Getting The Advantage Over Us…” So forgive your Imperfect Spouse, with Your Imperfect Self, and Keep Satan at bay! God’s plan for your relationship is strength and harmony, not strife and confusion. He wants to help you build a strong, loving union that glorifies Him. To do that, you must show grace, forgiveness and resolve to make Jesus Lord of your relationship! Remember, your marriage was God’s Idea, therefore, let Him Control it and it won’t Veer off the Divorce Cliff!              

In discussing marriage on his TV sitcom, Jerry Seinfeld tells his friend why he’s not married: ‘No healthy person would want the neglect I have to offer.‘ Let’s face it, even the ‘best’ marriages are made up of two imperfect people who sometimes neglect each other. And when you’ve been hurt it’s easy to react in the flesh instead of responding in the Spirit. Because truthfully, some hurts go really deep and grow really strong roots over time. At this point we must remember that regardless, forgiveness is a decision, however, trust is a process and when it’s been torn down, it takes time to rebuild it. Men and women often perceive trust differently. When a spouse has been hurt, her husband or his wife may think an apology should immediately enable them to trust them again, move on, and not talk about it again. That’s not so; because there are two things that need to happen. First, the offending partner needs to acknowledge what they’ve done. Don’t just tell your partner to ‘get over it‘. Validate their feelings, even if they act like they don’t want you to. Acknowledge their pain. You see, when others rationalize or trivialize what’s hurting us, it only makes us angrier. Only when we feel validated do our wounds begin to heal. Second, the offended partner needs to make sure that bitterness doesn’t creep in. ‘How can I do that?‘ you ask. By refusing to stay hurt any longer than is absolutely necessary, and by allowing God to heal your heart and restore your love. The Bible says, ‘… “If you hear his voice today, don’t be STUBBORN!”‘ (Hebrews 4:7 CEV). When God gives you the grace to forgive and release the hurt, you need to seize it, not be stubborn about it! Holding your spouse in unforgiveness prison, means you’re locked up in bondage right along with them! You do remember the Scripture says:  “And the two shall become ONE Flesh, so that they are No Longer TWO, BUT ONE FLESH.” (Mark 10:8 AMP). If you don’t free them, you don’t free you either! Selah…              

After the death of the child David fathered with Bathsheba, we read, ‘Then David got up… washed himself… changed his clothes… went to the Tabernacle and worshipped the Lord. After that, he returned to the palace and… ate. His advisers were amazed. “We don’t understand you,” they told him. “While the child was still living, you wept and refused to eat. But now that the child is dead, you have stopped your mourning and are eating again”‘ (2 Samuel 12:20-21 NLT). Why did David mourn more intensely before the baby died than he did after? Because according to many research studies across the countries, men grieve hard, but not necessarily as long. Once something’s over, they’ve a tendency to move on. However, in marriage, this can cause problems. You see, according to the studies, men often genuinely don’t understand why their wives can’t accept that ‘what’s done is done’, and move on too. But listen to David’s logic: ‘… I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, “Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me and let the child live.” But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me‘ (2 Samuel 12:22-23 NLT). Stay with me, the Bible says that God ‘… comforts us… so that… When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort… ‘ (2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT). Therefore, David’s next move was crucial. And what was it you ask? He ‘… Comforted Bathsheba, his wife… ‘ (2 Samuel 12:24 NLT). Notice, David didn’t ask, ‘What’s wrong with you? When are you going to get over this? I’ve moved on what’s taking you so long?‘ No, he recognized that even though he was beginning to heal, his wife was still hurting. The healing process accelerates once you begin to empathize with, and comfort your mate. And this is advised for both husband and wife, no matter who caused the hurt. Healing always takes time and that timing is different for both parties. Therefore, you need to learn to heal, and whichever gets to the healing finish line first, don’t leave the finish line until your spouse has crossed over it, no matter how long it takes them to get there. It’s important that you both finish, what’s unimportant is who finishes first.              

Sometimes the loss won’t even be a person, but a thing. For instance, when your mate loses their job and you find yourself suddenly going through a season of financial uncertainty, here are three things you need to keep in mind. First, remember it’s just a season. The important thing is to guard your attitude while you’re waiting for things to turn around. For example: Unless he’s lazy or an outright freeloader, your husband already feels bad because he can’t provide. He knows the children need shoes, the bills are piling up and that you’re tired of eating noodles or beans on toast, so don’t keep reminding him! Second, now is the time to get behind him and strengthen his ego, not deflate it. ‘How?‘ you ask. By asking yourself, ‘Am I always complaining? Do I highlight the things we don’t have? Do I covet stuff that’s beyond our budget right now? Am I doing my part to cut back and make ends meet, or am I splurging on non-essentials, going shopping every day and wanting to eat out every night?‘ Remember, responsibility and accountability for your marriage survival falls on Both of your shoulders! Finally, never forget, ‘this too shall pass’. Now is not a good time to remind your husband (or your wife if she’s the breadwinner) about the new car your brother bought or the great house your friend just exchanged on. Now is the time to practice saying with Paul, ‘... I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have and with everything that happens. I know how to live when I am poor, and I know how to live when I have plenty. I have learned the secret of being happy at any time in everything that happens, when I have enough to eat and when I go hungry, when I have more than I need and when I do not have enough. I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength.‘ (Philippians 4:11-13 NCV). Has God ever failed you? No, and He won’t now, so make up your mind to trust Him. How you handle this season may well determine whether your relationship emerges weaker or stronger.              

So know your Marital Rights! You have the right to Forgive;  when you are offensive you have the right to Acknowledge What You’ve Done; when you’ve been offended you have the right to Keep Bitterness at Bay, Forgive and Release the Hurt; You have the right to Comfort, You have the right to remember that Financial Droughts Are Seasonal, they do not last; you have the right to Build Your Mates Ego, Not Break It; you have the right to remember that no matter how bad it may seem now, This Too Shall Pass! Remember Your Marital Rights and You’ll Both Be Able to Properly Handle When Things Go Wrong! 

“…you have left (abandoned) the love that you had at first [you have deserted…your first love.]”  (Revelation 2:4 AMP)

Nobody plans it, it just seems to happen. Romance runs headlong into Reality! Something gives, and it’s usually romance! At first it’s just two love-birds with no higher earthly priority than each other’s happiness. Then comes the patter of tiny feet, and our well-ordered world gets turned upside down. Children don’t fit neatly into our schedules and agendas. They can’t and won’t wait. Three kids, two jobs, one mortgage later, and romance seems to be a distant memory. Two overworked people wonder where they lost that romantic feeling and whether it will ever return. I agree with G.K. Chesterton, “The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.” 

Unfortunately, some settle for marriage without the sizzle; some stay till the kids are older, then look for greener, more romantic pastures. But God offers a third, more exciting alternative: God’s alternative – Do What It Takes to Restore Your ‘…FIRST LOVE…‘ (This Scripture was written to the church at Ephesus, but the principle also applies to building a good marriage). Therefore: 

• RE-EXAMINE YOUR PERCEPTIONS: We think our current sizzle-free status is proof that romantic love is dead and the dream forever lost. That’s because we confuse romance with love. Romance brings people together, but love keeps them together. People who love each other can make romance live again – at any age or stage. “Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that’s a real treat.” (Joanne Woodward). Romance can come and go, but Love has a Stability that Remains Standing even when all else is Falling Apart! Therefore, water your marriage’s seeds of love and fresh romance will sprout forth!
• REALIZE THAT THE SIZZLE WASN’T LOST, IT WAS ‘LEFT’:’ “You have LEFT [behind] your first love.” It didn’t leave you. It didn’t die. And a new partner is not the solution! You Left It and Only You Can Make It Right Again By Your Return To It! Remember this: “Warm hugs are better than cold shoulders.” (Author Unknown)
• RETRACE YOUR STEPS: You’ll find romance where you left it: Undernourished, Crowded Out, Over-Looked and Seriously Oxygen-Deprived, But Not Dead! God created marriage! Talk to Him! Follow His instructions and your romance can live again! REMEMBER: “And here’s a second offense: You fill the place of worship with your whining and sniveling because you don’t get what you want from God. Do you know why? Simple. Because God was there as a witness when you spoke your marriage vows to your young bride, and now you’ve broken those vows, broken the faith-bond with your vowed companion, your covenant wife. God, Not You, Made Marriage. His Spirit inhabits even the Smallest Details of Marriage…So Guard the Spirit of Marriage Within You…” (Malachi 2:13-15 MSG). If Only We’d Protect and Guard Our Marriages to the Same Degree We Do Our Cellphones! Selah…

Here are three ‘R’s’ that work in our walk with God – and in our marriages:            

First: REMEMBER. “REMEMBER the height from which you have fallen!…” (Revelation 2:5 NIV). Not the depth, but the height. Not how bad it’s become, but how great it once was! Not the worst of times, but the best! Recall when just being together was the highlight of your whole day! What were you doing then that you’re not doing now? Do you remember when you phoned just to hear his voice? The gifts you couldn’t afford, but bought her anyway? The love notes you slipped into his pocket? Remember opening doors for her, pulling out chairs, holding her coat for her while she puts her arms through the sleeves or flowers on Tuesday, just because it was Tuesday? Remember cooking his favorite dish although you were exhausted from working late, or reading ‘1001 Ways to be Romantic’ and trying them all…twice? Remember quiet candlelit dinners when you shaved again and wore her favorite cologne, you know the one you hated? Remember when intimacy wasn’t all about me? Remember the special places, times, smells, looks, songs, poems? Remember a rose on her tray with breakfast in bed because she had cried when she heard the song, ‘You don’t bring me flowers anymore,’ and you vowed you’d never forget the flowers again?‘ REMEMBER!‘ Remember what you did for love! The magic may seem to have appeared by accident, but it actually grew by action! You were the magic! What you did fueled the romance, then you stopped doing it and the flame subsided! But the pilot light still burns, and remembering ‘the heights‘ releases positive, faith-inspiring chemistry that can move you to actions that will fan the flame into a fire again! “To keep the fire burning brightly there’s one easy rule: Keep the Two Logs Together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart—about a finger’s breadth—for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.” (Marnie Reed Crowell).            

The second ‘R’ for renewing your first love is REPENT; which in its simplistic form means, to change your mind, direction, and actions. You can’t solve a problem with the same thinking and behaviors that created it; new thinking and actions are required. If your relationship once sizzled, you still have what’s needed to make it sizzle again. You’ve been remembering what you were doing at ‘the height’ of the relationship. You’ve acknowledged that those actions made the relationship exciting and fulfilling, than you stopped doing them, and that you “left [behind] your first love.” Now you’re ready to repent (which means to turn around) and go in a different and better direction so you can once again cause the flame of love to burn brightly in your marriage. “More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” (Doug Larson). “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” (Mignon McLaughlin).              

The third ‘R’ of renewal is RE-ENACT; “Do the things you did at first” (Revelation 2:5 NIV). List the things you used to do when the relationship was great. Each of you should prayerfully and privately commit to doing a couple of the listed items, without telling your partner which ones you chose. Try to ‘catch’ your partner re-enacting “the things you did at first” and let them know how much it means to you that they cared enough to do it. You’ll get more of what you reinforce by gratitude! “In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.” (Robert Anderson). But a word to the wise: at first it may feel strange, even unreal, when you begin to re-enact those early behaviors. So be patient, that will change. Just keep doing it. And don’t wait till you feel like it. You can act your way into new ways of feeling, even when you can’t feel your way into new ways of acting. Do it till you feel it, till the joy of your first love reignites!              

You further have the marital right to remember the good times of your marriage instead of ruminating over the bad; you have the marital right to repent of any wrongs you have committed against your spouse; you have the marital right to retrace your steps and find the romance that your neglect caused you to lose; you have the marital right to reenact every good memory of your marriage and if you’re real smart, you’ll create some new memories too!

Now to help you ease your way back into ‘the heights of your first love”, I’ve learned that laughter is a Huge and Valuable Asset! With that said, share some of these funny marriage quotes with your spouse tonight and have a good laugh! Especially if you can identify with any of them! 

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” (Rita Rudner). 

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” (Phyllis Diller). 

“Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.” (Author Unknown). 

“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” (Isadora Duncan). 

“Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.” (Author Unknown). 

“Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.” (Author Unknown). 

“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.” (Max Kauffman). 

“Wedding rings: the world’s smallest handcuffs for those who are sentenced to do life! I suggest you choose your cellmate wisely.” (Author Unknown). 

“There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first.” (Adela Rogers St. Johns). 

“Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.” (Marlene Dietrich). 

“It’s easy to understand love at first sight, but how do we explain love after two people have been looking at each other for years?” (Author Unknown) 

“Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do.” (Bettina Arndt). 

“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” (Lyndon B. Johnson). 

“My husband and I divorced over religious differences He thought he was God, and I didn’t.” (Author Unknown). 

“The reason they’re called the opposite sex is because every time you think you have your wife fooled—it’s just the opposite.” (Walter Winchell) 

“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” (H.V. Prochnow). 

Have a good laugh as you Rekindle Romance and Exceed New Levels of Love By Remembering, Repenting and Re-Enacting! 

YOU NOW HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN HAPPILY MARRIED TIL DEATH DO YOU PART!

Much Love, Dr. Shermaine #EnjoyTheRead #BeInspired #BeEncouraged #BeEmpowered #BeChallenged #ShareTheWordFeel free to also join us at: http://www.selfcarewithdrshermaine.blogspot.com Today’s Lesson: “Relaxation Techniques: Learn How to Manage Stress”

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“Why Help Matters?”

Ecclesiastes 4:9, “TWO are better than one…” (NIV)

Edward Farrell said, “Listening is rare. THERE ARE CERTAIN PEOPLE to whom we feel we can talk because they have such a deep capacity for hearing, not just our words, but hearing us as a person. They enable us to communicate on a level we’ve never reached before. They enable us to be as we’ve never been before. We will never truly know ourselves unless we find people who can listen, who can enable us to emerge, to come out of ourselves, to discover who we are. We cannot discover ourselves by ourselves.”

Note the words: “THERE ARE CERTAIN PEOPLE…who enable us to be as we have never been before.”

THESE ARE THE PEOPLE YOU NEED THE MOST!                        

With that said, consider the following questions to help you discover whether you’ve found your “CERTAIN PEOPLE…” or you NEED to Find Them:

1.    WHO COACHES YOU? What older, wiser, and more experienced brother or sister stands on the sidelines of your life and watches with the big picture in mind? Now keep in mind, coaches don’t run the race for you, THEY SIMPLY SET THE STANDARD FOR THE RACE AND MAKES A JUDGMENT ON YOUR PERFORMANCE! So who does this for you? Who mentors you? Who guides you? Who makes sure you don’t go outside the boundaries? Remember This: “A good coach will make his players see what they CAN BE rather than what they ARE” (Ara Parasheghian). Therefore, find yourself a coach that can see your successful future even in your present failures!

2.    WHO STRETCHES YOUR MIND? Who makes you wince as they expose the many faces of your ignorance; who will not let you get away with spiritual and intellectual superficiality? Who makes sure you don’t just play church? Who makes sure you don’t become complacent and lazy? Who makes sure your streams are always flowing (since stagnant water stinks!) Which makes me think of a quote I love that reads: “Too many people confine their exercise to jumping to conclusions, running up bills, stretching the truth, bending over backwards, lying down on the job, side-stepping responsibility and pushing their luck” (Author Unknown) You need someone who will give you a more beneficial exercise plan for your future! You need someone who refuses to let you settle, when they can stretch you to soar!

3.    WHO LISTENS TO AND ENCOURAGES YOUR DREAMS? Dreams are not intellectual propositions that must be proven. They are the work of visionaries; they are out-of-the-box, frequently awful and occasionally good. These are the folks who, when others laugh and say you’re trying to build castles in the air, remind you that God “…calls things that are not as though they were” (Romans 4:17). Another translation says: “…God…gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not”. These are the people you need! People who make you see the house while in the apartment. People who make you see the church with no license to preach. People who make you see the car with no permit. People who make you see a fruitful marriage while contemplating divorce. These people share your hearts desires with you and even when they seem a little far-fetched, they still believe. Do you have people like that? Another quote I love says: “All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible” (T.E. Lawrence). You need people in your life that will awaken you from daydreaming and push you to make your dreams a reality! If you don’t have encouragers like that now, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? The birth of your dreams are at stake!

4.    WHO PROTECTS YOU? When the Christians in Jerusalem wanted nothing to do with the newly converted Saul of Tarsus, Barnabas acted as his advocate. Your voice alone is not enough! You need others to speak up for you. And this doesn’t imply weakness! “You obey the law of Christ when you offer each other a helping hand.” (Galatians 6:2  CEV). You need people in your life that will protect you from critics, gossips, back-biters and liars. People who protect all that you are in God, flaws and all. People who know your mistakes, but also know the price of forgiveness that was paid in Blood on your behalf. Therefore, they won’t sit around idly and let others use your past to abuse your future. In other words, locate your Barnabas who will encourage you, stand up for you, support you and protect you. “The antidote for fifty enemies is just one faithful friend” (Aristotle). You don’t need the Tree to protect you from the heat of the sun, all you need is the Shade of the tree! Therefore, find you a Barnabas who you can stand in the shade of when the heat is on, they’ll stand before you and be a friendly protection.

5.    WHO SHARES YOUR TEARS? Mary was close enough to share Jesus’ tears in His most painful, life-draining moment. Who’s close enough to you to pick up on the signals (even the silent ones), to sense when fears and tears need to be shared? Yes, there are times when we need a pep talk or a shot in the arm, but there are also times when we need to be encouraged to lie low and realistically process our emotions. Who does that for you? Who cries with you, but has enough discernment and wisdom to know when you’ve cried enough? “Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it” (Albert Smith). Which is why it’s so vital that you learn to surround yourself with people who won’t allow you to hide behind your name, your title, your position, your gifts, your anointing, your skills, your talents, your familiarity or comfortability, your business, your church, your ministry, your image etc. You need people that will say “Let it out!” People who know when to cry with you, for you and those who know when enough is enough and they hand you a tissue and say “Clean it up and get it together!” These are the mentors who send you back to your wife or husband (whether the hurt was on their part or yours)! They do not however entertain you being lustfully messy with someone else because you’re caught up in your feelings. These mentors let you pour out your tears, but they also know how to help you turn off the water works and get a beneficial plan together so you can bounce back! If you haven’t found this mentor yet, locate them fast! And trust me, they’ll be easy to recognize! They’ll be the one who knows how to give you a healthy balance between your break-down and your break-through. They’re the ones that know how to discern when you need a listening ear, and when you need a verbal rebuke. They know when you need a pat on the back, and when you need a swift kick in the behind. They know when to help you resolve a conflict, and when to let that conflict beat you down because it was never your battle to begin with. Whatever you do, find this mentor!

6.    WHO REBUKES YOU? Even with 20/20 vision, one pair of eyes is never enough! You have blind spots! We all do. And Satan is always standing by ready to remind you of your good qualities. Why? Because pride is his expertise! And even the devil knows, “First pride, then the crash—the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.” (Proverbs 16:18 MSG). But a true friend exposes and challenges your self-seeking, self-pleasing, and self-dependence, and helps you to restore to God the authority you’ve robbed Him of! Who’s bold enough to do that for you? “Most of us can read the writing on the wall; we just assume it’s addressed to someone else” (Ivern Ball). You need a person that confirms that the writing on the wall is addressed personally to YOU! You need what David had, a NATHAN! Someone that will tell you to your face, “IT WAS YOU”! Someone who doesn’t care if you get mad, or stop speaking to them, someone who cares more about you being in right standing with God than right standing with them. Who does this for you? Who gets right in your face and rebukes your wrong? If no one, you my friend are in grave trouble!

7.    WHO SEEKS GOD WITH YOU? Praying together keeps us honest! Yes it’s only in the honesty of shared prayer that we draw closer to God, and to one another. The Bible says,: “Make this your common practice: “Confess your sins to each other…pray for each other so…you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with…” (James 5:16 MSG). You need someone in your life that is filled with the Word of God, Saturated with a Prayer Life, and Disciplined Enough to Fast Consistently! Someone who daily seeks the Face of God, and will therefore, provoke you to do the same. Someone who makes you want to live holy, live right and live honest (someone who will confront you if you’re not). Someone who helps you come clean with God and others. Someone who helps you be better today than you were yesterday, and better tomorrow than you were today. Who does that for you?  “When you knock, ask to see God – none of the servants” (Henry David Thoreau).  You need people in your life that help you get past seeking clergy collars and simply seek God instead! People who will not let you simply hold hands in a prayer circle, or wail and fall out at the altar, or wait in long lines for someone to lay hands on you. No, you need partners who will say sit and read the Word until the Word speaks back! Keep your eyes focused until you see God! Sit quiet until you hear God’s voice! Surround yourself with those who are not hung up on the Servants but on the Savior! Stick close to those who have little desire for seeking anything outside of seeking God! Do you have someone like that?

8.    WHO PLAYS WITH YOU? Does this sound Unimportant, even Carnal? Well it’s NOT! You must never let the seriousness of life override your need for recreation, a word that’s only understood when it’s hyphenated ‘RE-CREATION’. Ever notice how energized we are after some Rest, a walk in the park, a movie, or an evening out? In essence, the stress we endure daily has a way of breaking down and destroying our creativity, therefore we need time to focus on something less time constraining and mind exerting. Fresh ideas always flow after some playfulness. So don’t get so caught up in schedules and projects that you don’t take time out to enjoy life. “A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face; a sad heart makes it hard to get through the day.” (Proverbs 15:13  MSG). Who makes sure you never miss recess? “Human beings need pleasure the way they need vitamins” (Lionel Tiger). Just as recess is a part of a child’s day, make it a part of yours! Include people in your life who challenge you to fly a kite, run a race, go to a museum, a theme park, a picnic.  Surround yourself with people who interrupt your 9-5 with a silly joke or an out of key song that you sing to the top of your lungs, or a hideous dance move that will send your children seeking for help! Play a board game, walk on the beach, play dodge ball, tag, red light green light 1,2,3! LOL! Find someone to jump rope with, hop-scotch, or play jacks! Put your hair in 2 ponytails and tell your kids to go with you to the supermarket! LOL! See, many of you are laughing already and you haven’t even done these things, all you did was read them, and they made you laugh! Imagine how much fun you’ll have when you actually take a break and DO THEM? I remember a really good friend of mine from high school had 2 theme barbecues several years back and one of the themes was you had to come dressed in 1970’s attire! I’m still praying those pictures never make it to Facebook! LOL! Her other barbecue was a pajama theme! Sounds ridiculous, but the fun was unbelievable! Deanna is one of my dearest friends because she always makes me laugh and makes sure that I take a break in life, and actually LIVE! Think about it: After ALL Job went through…what does it say in the closing chapter? “AFTER THIS, JOB LIVED…” (Job 42:16 AMP). YES, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, AFTER ALL THAT JOB EXPERIENCED, THAT OTHER FOLKS WOULD’VE KILLED THEMSELVES OVER…HE ENDURES IT…AND IN THE END…JOB LIVED! In its entirety it reads like this: “AFTER THIS, JOB LIVED 140 YEARS, AND SAW HIS SONS AND HIS SON’S SONS, EVEN TO FOUR GENERATIONS. SO JOB LIVED, AN OLD MAN AND FULL OF DAYS” (Job 42:16-17 AMP) If you don’t have a Deanna like me, find one! She’s the key to many fun-filled days in your life! Someone Who Knows All That You’ve Endured And At The End Of It All, They Make You LIVE! Today, put your name in this Scripture and then LIVE! “After this, _____________ LIVED!” (Thanks Bishop James R. Chambers!)

You need to ask yourself today: “Who Coaches Me?; Who Stretches Me?; Who Listens to and Encourages My Dreams?; Who Protects Me?; Who Shares My Tears?; Who Rebukes Me?; Who Seeks God With Me (and for me)?; Who Plays With Me?” Because all of these components are vital to a healthy and happy you!

In addition, this will cause you to do a thorough search of those in your life, and cause you to make necessary adjustments. You’ll begin to remove negative and pessimistic people. You’ll get rid of critical and judgmental folks. You’ll say goodbye to dream stealers and dream killers. You’ll discard unnecessary people who only pat you on the back and give your overly inflated ego more air. You’ll strike out those who don’t stretch you. You’ll pull away from those who don’t push you, protect you or play with you. You’ll become unsatisfied with those who are seeking people instead of seeking God. You’ll then begin to search for people who mean you well, Body, Soul and Spirit!

Now, That’s What You Call Living A Blessed and Well-Balanced Life!

So, Who Does This For You? Who Helps You? Because it Matters! If you can list them, CELEBRATE THEM, if you don’t have them, FIND THEM!

Much Love, Dr. Shermaine #EnjoyTheRead #BeInspired #BeEncouraged #BeEmpowered #BeChallenged #ShareTheWordFeel free to also join us at: http://www.selfcarewithdrshermaine.blogspot.com Today’s Lesson: “27 Ways to Boost Your Energy, Without Caffeine”

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“The Importance of Wife Trainers”

Titus 2:3-5, “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so TRAIN the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” (ESV)

My friend Caleb is a beast of a trainer! Which is why I absolutely hate to attend any of his classes at the gym! In fact, I am indeed the worse client of all time! Don’t believe me? Listen, I have actually sat on the stationary bike (not moving) but eating Doritos while watching cartoons! And this is all during his session with the entire group of us! He’s even bought me a dunce cap to wear when I’m sent to time-out! I’m sent to time-out quite often, but that’s neither here nor there. I absolutely drive Caleb up a wall! But he’s dedicated indeed! However, he’s taken on quite a few extra responsibilities at work and in his church, so he’s slowed down…A LITTLE BIT!

Talking to him recently, he told me that his regular routine doesn’t allow him as much time for exercise as he’d like. In the past, when he had a few days away and his schedule permitted, he would enjoy doing some biking or hiking, or running. Of course, when you stop working out as vigorous as you once did, your body has a tendency to shift gears on you, without warning, and without a courtesy notice. In other words, he’s not as much beast now as he is teddy bear! He said, “my body told me, you not ready for this, you haven’t been working out lately. And so, I ended up hurting in places I didn’t even know I had places! But it’s good to get some extra exercise when you can anyhow”.

And one of those times came when Caleb and his wife Sierra were away, and he had a chance to do some jogging on the beach at sunrise. He was chugging along trying to cover those last few hundred yards, which seemed like the longest ever, while pounding back down the beach all tired and sweaty and disgusting. He said his muscles were screaming, “I demand you stop this foolishness right now!” And then he said “but I saw my wife in the distance. Well, that was a great motivation to finish, and to finish strong. So I kind of picked up the pace a little bit, and had almost reached her when I saw what she had written in huge letters in the sand, “I love you, Caleb, you can do it babe.” Oh boy, there it was! What a happy ending to my run. Pain and all, those few little words of love pushed me through the finish line.”

Caleb’s story (particularly his wife) reminds me of Titus 2:4-5 where there are actually instructions given to the older women in the church as to what they should, from their well of experience, TRAIN the younger women to be like. It says, “…then they can TRAIN the younger women…” That word ‘train’ is defined as, ‘to teach a person a particular skill or type of behavior through regular practice and instruction; to make someone become fit through a course of consistent exercise and diet; to make grow in a particular direction or into a required shape.’ In other words, this training is to be ongoing. It doesn’t stop just because someone gets married. All throughout the course of marriage, the older women are to continue to train; teach; instruct; on skill and behavior through consistent practice; so that the younger wives will learn how to grow in the right direction and develop into the required ‘shape’ for her own husband. Notice what they are to TRAIN them to do, “…love their husbands and children. To be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands so that no one will malign the Word of God.”

Actually, this passage is referring to two generations of loving wives, because obviously the older women had to do it in order to be able to teach and train it to the younger women. Therefore, in both generations, the very same admonishment is given, “…Love your husband…”

Proverbs 31, that great description of the woman every godly woman wants to be, says about her in verse 12. “She brings her husband good, not harm, all the days of her life.” Another translation reads, “She will not hinder him but help him all her life.” (TLB) That word “hinder” is defined as “to delay or impede”. Its Old English Origin literally means “to damage.” Can you imagine if Caleb’s wife “hindered” him as he was running toward his goal? Ultimately, she would have caused him damage. Now, that word “impede” is defined as “to delay or block the progress or action of.” It’s Latin Origin “impedire” literally means “to shackle the feet of”. How can you possibly have a goal of running to the finish line when you’re attached to someone who’s like “shackles on your feet?” Can you imagine if Caleb’s wife was at the finish line yelling, “why are you even here? You can’t do this? You can’t accomplish this? This is too big of a task for you? You’re not ready for this? You do remember how old you are right? Don’t you see the other younger, stronger and more fit men running down this beach? Go somewhere grab a snickers and take the break your body needs before it takes one without your permission!”

I wouldn’t exactly call that motivation, encouragement, help or love! That’s shackles at their best! As out of shape, and tired, and in pain as Caleb was, it was his wife’s Help not Hindrance that got him to accomplish his goal that day. So wives, are you doing the same thing for your own husbands? Are you encouraging his dreams, hearts desires, goals, aims, purpose, calling and plan? Are you building him up or tearing him down? Are you inflating him with faith, or deflating him with doubt? Do you have his back, or have you turned your back? When he wants to throw in the towel, do you grab it, wipe his blood, sweat and tears, and push him back in the ring to keep fighting another round? Are you helping him, or hindering him? Are you assisting in his progression or are you the source of his regress? Can he bring his dreams that are the size of the galaxy to you, or does he go elsewhere because you shoot down what could’ve been his rising star?

Remember, she brings him good all the days of her life, would your husband be able to give the same testimony of you?

Now, there’s that picture of Caleb running on the beach, coming toward the finish line, tired, feeling like quitting. And suddenly he sees these words, “I love you, Caleb, you can do it babe.” It gave him incentive to cross the finish line. And the word “incentive” is defined as “a thing that motivates or encourages someone to action or increased effort.” Its Latin Origin “incentivum” means “something that sets the tune or incites.” In other words, Caleb wasn’t just running to the music coming from his headphones, but he was running to the tune of his wife’s encouragement. She was his “incentive” to make it to the finish line. Her encouragement set the tune or tone for his completion. A ‘tune’ is defined as, ‘a melody or melodious piece of music.’ It’s not nails on a chalkboard; it’s not complaining; it’s not nagging; it’s not bickering, cussing and yelling; it’s not the bark and bite of an angry pit-bull or the roar of a hungry lion! It’s a sound you want to hear; you need to hear; you love to hear. As a wife, what is the sound of your voice in your husband’s ear?

And truth is, it’s not hard to say loving things to your husband…when all is well. But that’s not the extent of your voice. You have to learn how to develop to the point that you can encourage him when you need encouragement yourself; you have to learn to have those melodious words of encouragement when the bills are due; when the kids are acting up in school; when your parents health is failing; when the washer and dryer broke down at the same time; when the food burned while you were ironing clothes. You have to maintain your sound even when the doctor doesn’t have a good report for you or him. Your tune sets the tone for your husband. Depending on your tune, you’ll either push him forward or push him away. After all, with someone telling you they love you and encouraging you to finish what you started because they believe you can, is great motivation! Who wouldn’t run towards that?

However, if he’s running in the opposite direction, you may want to check the “words of inspiration” that have been allowed to come out of your mouth! They may sound more like “nothing sweet” instead of “sweet nothings”!

Truth is, men love compliments just as much as any woman does. He desires to be told you like his hair cut, he’s handsome, he’s wearing that suit, he’s good at this or that. I promise you, you will be amazed at how much motivation moves a man when a compliment is given! And a compliment from his wife is better than a compliment from anyone else. You know why? Because she sees the sides of him, that no one else sees. She sees when he’s not in a good mood; when his attitude sucks; when his words are critical; when he paces the floor in worry or fear; when his teeth aren’t brushed; his hair isn’t combed; his body isn’t freshly out the shower; and when he’s not spic-and-span Sunday morning spotless! She hears the complaints, the anger, the frustrations, that few others hear. So when she can see ALL of that side of him, and still have a melodious tune of encouragement, he can trust her words like no other, because no other has seen him at his behind the scenes, closed doors worse, like she has! That’s why as wives, your tune can’t change based on situations, circumstances, emotions, moods and feelings. Your tune has to remain consistent. And the only way for that to be accomplished is by practice. So, whose feet are you sitting at, so you can learn how to walk as a better wife? Who do you have training you to win the game of marriage?

Now here’s a memory for a summer vacation scrapbook. You got kissed by a dolphin! Well, you may say, “No thank you”. But it happens to people every day at “Sea World”, a park where you can see whales and fish and seals do these amazing tricks. Those dolphins however, are something else! They will jump through hoops (I wish we could get kids to do that), they’ll dance on their tails, and oh yeah, did I mention jumping out of the water and kissing tourists?

But if you want to understand why they do all this neat stuff, you have to watch what they do after each trick. They swim around the pool and straight for the guy/girl with the bag! You know what’s in that bag. Fish! Yummy fish! If you want a dolphin to do something, give him a fish and he’ll do it again! As comical as it sounds, husbands are a lot like that! I really do think the male species of the human race has a lot in common with those dolphins at Sea World. You see, if you give them a “fish” when they do something good, they’ll want to jump through that hoop again and again!

Leo F. Buscaglia said it best: “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”               

Some women seem to believe that the best way to get their man to improve is to nag him into it, to shame him into it, or to criticize him into doing it. Well, I got news for you, the Bible describes two kinds of women in Proverbs 14:1 “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” God’s Word Translation says it like this: “The wisest of women builds up her home, but a stupid one tears it down with her own hands.” There are some things that a woman does that build the people she cares about, and there are others that like a demolition crew, just tear them completely down! That’s why it’s so important to keep in mind the following quote: “Many acts of service cost nothing and take little time: Encouragement, Compliments, Listening, Gratitude, and Compassion.” Complimenting your husband costs you Nothing, but it will Greatly Increase His Self-Worth and Value! Complimenting your husband takes No Time At All, but He Will Hold It Dear For a Lifetime! Chris Rock said: “There are only three things women need in life: Food, Water, and Compliments”. Well, as comical as it sounds, Men Need the Very Same Things!               

Now there’s no question that every man needs a lot of work (so do we women)! But if you approach your husband like your personal home improvement project, like “I’ve got to fix this guy!” you’ll probably keep him from changing! Is it stubbornness? Ego? Deafness? I’m not sure, but I do know that when a man is pushed, he tends to go the other way, not come in your direction!

Part of love is what I heard called “Mirroring” – which is holding up a mirror to the person you love and letting them know what you see when you look at them. Unfortunately, we tend to be a lot better at mirroring the things we Don’t like than some of the good things about that person that we Do. But it’s in affirming the good that we give a person the courage and the encouragement to work on the rest. Remember: “Everybody likes a compliment” (Abraham Lincoln). Even Mark Twain said: “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”               

 As a Wife, Your Greatest Blessing Comes From Blessing Your Own Husband!               

If you want to Improve Your Husband or Help Your Husband Become Better, Then Bring Him Good, Bring Him Value by Telling Him What’s Good about Him! Praise Him When He Does Something Right, Even If It’s Just a Small Improvement! Give Him a Fish (so to speak, like the Dolphins) If You Want Him To Do It Some More! Or, as one of my Mentors says, “Water What You Want To Grow.” When you consistently have a ministry of encouragement and affirmation in your husband’s life, he feels Safe! And a man won’t risk changing unless he’s in a place where he feels Safe! And if he feels Safe and Valued by You, he’s a lot more likely to listen when you need to tell him something that’s hard to hear! He’ll Know You Love Him and that You Want Him to Be the Best He Can Be! 

Speaking of being a ‘safe place’ for your husband. I remember the experience of sleeping with my husband for the first time. The most mentally exhausting part was knowing that I wasn’t comfortable in my own body. I didn’t like the little stretch marks; the acne etc. And I absolutely refused to sleep with him with the lights on, and I refused for him to see me get naked in front of him. I was insecure and fragile because of it. What caused me to change was my husband’s constant words of affirmation. It was the first time that I’d ever felt ‘safe’ with a man in such an intimate manner. My husband was a lot like Caleb’s wife, he would constantly reassure me in the areas where I felt most unsure. Wives, it’s important to do this for your husband’s too, especially if there’s an area that you’re believing God to change in him. No one likes to be exposed, especially when they know how many flaws they have. But I dare you to become your husband’s safe place and watch the change that takes place! 

Billy Graham’s wife, Ruth, had a wonderful outlook on this. She said, “It is my job to love Billy. It’s God’s job to change him!” That says it better than I ever could!               

Remember: You compliment him, and that will encourage him to let God change him!

Many men come home tired from the day’s journey of running here, there and everywhere. And few things mean more to a man than to know that he will find an “I love you” at the finish line. I think a man can handle almost anything if he’s sure that he will be safe and appreciated and loved when he gets home. You know, “All’s well that ends well.” Lots of pressure, lots of stress, but most men can handle it when they know there’s going to be security at the finish line.

And there are a lot of ways to say it to him. First, just verbally express it. And don’t just say, “I love you until further notice.” No, tell him often. Touch him affectionately. Provide peace in the house as much as possible when he arrives home; maybe that special meal or special card or special note. Now, it’s hard, because you’ve had a long run too. But God will give you strength to put your husband first when you feel like being first yourself.

I often hear, particularly in counseling sessions, that it’s the wife/mother that carries the whole household, and everything else. And for many, that may be the absolute truth. I’ve been in those shoes, and it’s a painful walk. But I also know that there are still good men/good husbands that are working just as hard as the women in their lives. And that should be acknowledged and celebrated. We do a lot of man bashing, but when do we do some man boasting? They’re not all bad. In fact, some are stay at home dads that take care of the kids, clean the house and cook. Others go to work, and bring home a paycheck that provides and protects their families. There are some at work, some at school, some in the military, some are CEO’s and some are janitors, and they are all good men and good husbands, that deserve their flowers, cards, candy and gifts too. Don’t let the world’s skewed view of such a beautiful holiday like Valentine’s Day for instance, cause you to think that it’s just for women alone. If you have good men in your life, especially good husbands, celebrate them (visibly, verbally and tangibly). Motivate them, encourage them, speak well of them, compliment them, love them, and do so publicly and privately. It’s what pushed Caleb, and it’s what presses the Dolphins to do trick after trick to make everyone happy, because there’s always a wonderful treat at the end.

Wise women, let’s build our houses and build our men/husbands and keep them safe, secure, intact, and strong. Maintain a great foundation of love, not just for one day, but for the other 365 as well. Everyday holds within it seconds, minutes, and hours of opportunity to show your love to your loved ones. Don’t let another moment pass by, because in a very untimely fashion, one of those seconds will be the last.

So, older women, get to work! There’s some younger wives that desperately need your wisdom to develop into better wives. There are even those who are yet to be wives, that need to see you walk this out in front of them so they know all the work that is to come, following the wedding day and honeymoon. Get on your post and teach and train wives to do what the bible says they are to do:

“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so TRAIN the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”

Older women, make sure you haven’t walked off the job as a wife trainer! It’s vital that you continue to teach what is good, and how younger wives are to love their husband and even their children. Yes, you have a full curriculum you need to teach so that we all become better women, wives and mothers. We need you to train us on how to be self-controlled in a world that’s so fleshly impulsive; teach us how to remain pure in a world that wants us to believe that contamination is NOT poison; teach us to be busy working at home, not just at our jobs, careers, churches and ministries, but teach us to take better care of our own homes! Teach us to be kind in a world that allows cruel to be the order of the day, every day. Teach us to be submissive to our own husbands, more-so than to any other man whether it be our pastor or boss! And why is all of this so important? So, ‘…that the Word of God may not be reviled.’

Let’s look at that verse in a few translations:

“…so that the Word of God will not be dishonored.” (AMP)

“…that the Word of God may not be exposed to reproach (blasphemed or discredited).” (AMPC)

“…so that God’s Word won’t be ridiculed.” (CEB)

“…Then no one can say insulting things about God’s message.” (CEV)

“…Then no one will be able to criticize the teaching God gave us.” (ERV)

“…Then no one can speak evil of God’s Word.” (GWT)

“…so that the Christian faith can’t be spoken against by those who know them.” (TLB)

“…We don’t want anyone looking down on God’s Message because of their behavior.” (MSG)

“…Then they will not bring shame on the Word of God.” (NLT)

Older women/wives, it is your responsibility to teach younger wives and train them well, because it is to protect the Reputation of God; the Word of God; and the Christian Faith as a whole! Any poor behavior of a wife reflects negatively on all of that! Older Women, don’t drop the ball, this is too important to treat carelessly. Therefore, today, Game On, Wife Trainers Let’s Get to Work! The Word of God is Counting on You!

Much Love, Dr. Shermaine #EnjoyTheRead #BeInspired #BeEncouraged #BeEmpowered #BeChallenged #ShareTheWord

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