Titus 2:3-5, “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so TRAIN the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” (ESV)
My friend Caleb is a beast of a trainer! Which is why I absolutely hate to attend any of his classes at the gym! In fact, I am indeed the worse client of all time! Don’t believe me? Listen, I have actually sat on the stationary bike (not moving) but eating Doritos while watching cartoons! And this is all during his session with the entire group of us! He’s even bought me a dunce cap to wear when I’m sent to time-out! I’m sent to time-out quite often, but that’s neither here nor there. I absolutely drive Caleb up a wall! But he’s dedicated indeed! However, he’s taken on quite a few extra responsibilities at work and in his church, so he’s slowed down…A LITTLE BIT!
Talking to him recently, he told me that his regular routine doesn’t allow him as much time for exercise as he’d like. In the past, when he had a few days away and his schedule permitted, he would enjoy doing some biking or hiking, or running. Of course, when you stop working out as vigorous as you once did, your body has a tendency to shift gears on you, without warning, and without a courtesy notice. In other words, he’s not as much beast now as he is teddy bear! He said, “my body told me, you not ready for this, you haven’t been working out lately. And so, I ended up hurting in places I didn’t even know I had places! But it’s good to get some extra exercise when you can anyhow”.
And one of those times came when Caleb and his wife Sierra were away, and he had a chance to do some jogging on the beach at sunrise. He was chugging along trying to cover those last few hundred yards, which seemed like the longest ever, while pounding back down the beach all tired and sweaty and disgusting. He said his muscles were screaming, “I demand you stop this foolishness right now!” And then he said “but I saw my wife in the distance. Well, that was a great motivation to finish, and to finish strong. So I kind of picked up the pace a little bit, and had almost reached her when I saw what she had written in huge letters in the sand, “I love you, Caleb, you can do it babe.” Oh boy, there it was! What a happy ending to my run. Pain and all, those few little words of love pushed me through the finish line.”
Caleb’s story (particularly his wife) reminds me of Titus 2:4-5 where there are actually instructions given to the older women in the church as to what they should, from their well of experience, TRAIN the younger women to be like. It says, “…then they can TRAIN the younger women…” That word ‘train’ is defined as, ‘to teach a person a particular skill or type of behavior through regular practice and instruction; to make someone become fit through a course of consistent exercise and diet; to make grow in a particular direction or into a required shape.’ In other words, this training is to be ongoing. It doesn’t stop just because someone gets married. All throughout the course of marriage, the older women are to continue to train; teach; instruct; on skill and behavior through consistent practice; so that the younger wives will learn how to grow in the right direction and develop into the required ‘shape’ for her own husband. Notice what they are to TRAIN them to do, “…love their husbands and children. To be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands so that no one will malign the Word of God.”
Actually, this passage is referring to two generations of loving wives, because obviously the older women had to do it in order to be able to teach and train it to the younger women. Therefore, in both generations, the very same admonishment is given, “…Love your husband…”
Proverbs 31, that great description of the woman every godly woman wants to be, says about her in verse 12. “She brings her husband good, not harm, all the days of her life.” Another translation reads, “She will not hinder him but help him all her life.” (TLB) That word “hinder” is defined as “to delay or impede”. Its Old English Origin literally means “to damage.” Can you imagine if Caleb’s wife “hindered” him as he was running toward his goal? Ultimately, she would have caused him damage. Now, that word “impede” is defined as “to delay or block the progress or action of.” It’s Latin Origin “impedire” literally means “to shackle the feet of”. How can you possibly have a goal of running to the finish line when you’re attached to someone who’s like “shackles on your feet?” Can you imagine if Caleb’s wife was at the finish line yelling, “why are you even here? You can’t do this? You can’t accomplish this? This is too big of a task for you? You’re not ready for this? You do remember how old you are right? Don’t you see the other younger, stronger and more fit men running down this beach? Go somewhere grab a snickers and take the break your body needs before it takes one without your permission!”
I wouldn’t exactly call that motivation, encouragement, help or love! That’s shackles at their best! As out of shape, and tired, and in pain as Caleb was, it was his wife’s Help not Hindrance that got him to accomplish his goal that day. So wives, are you doing the same thing for your own husbands? Are you encouraging his dreams, hearts desires, goals, aims, purpose, calling and plan? Are you building him up or tearing him down? Are you inflating him with faith, or deflating him with doubt? Do you have his back, or have you turned your back? When he wants to throw in the towel, do you grab it, wipe his blood, sweat and tears, and push him back in the ring to keep fighting another round? Are you helping him, or hindering him? Are you assisting in his progression or are you the source of his regress? Can he bring his dreams that are the size of the galaxy to you, or does he go elsewhere because you shoot down what could’ve been his rising star?
Remember, she brings him good all the days of her life, would your husband be able to give the same testimony of you?
Now, there’s that picture of Caleb running on the beach, coming toward the finish line, tired, feeling like quitting. And suddenly he sees these words, “I love you, Caleb, you can do it babe.” It gave him incentive to cross the finish line. And the word “incentive” is defined as “a thing that motivates or encourages someone to action or increased effort.” Its Latin Origin “incentivum” means “something that sets the tune or incites.” In other words, Caleb wasn’t just running to the music coming from his headphones, but he was running to the tune of his wife’s encouragement. She was his “incentive” to make it to the finish line. Her encouragement set the tune or tone for his completion. A ‘tune’ is defined as, ‘a melody or melodious piece of music.’ It’s not nails on a chalkboard; it’s not complaining; it’s not nagging; it’s not bickering, cussing and yelling; it’s not the bark and bite of an angry pit-bull or the roar of a hungry lion! It’s a sound you want to hear; you need to hear; you love to hear. As a wife, what is the sound of your voice in your husband’s ear?
And truth is, it’s not hard to say loving things to your husband…when all is well. But that’s not the extent of your voice. You have to learn how to develop to the point that you can encourage him when you need encouragement yourself; you have to learn to have those melodious words of encouragement when the bills are due; when the kids are acting up in school; when your parents health is failing; when the washer and dryer broke down at the same time; when the food burned while you were ironing clothes. You have to maintain your sound even when the doctor doesn’t have a good report for you or him. Your tune sets the tone for your husband. Depending on your tune, you’ll either push him forward or push him away. After all, with someone telling you they love you and encouraging you to finish what you started because they believe you can, is great motivation! Who wouldn’t run towards that?
However, if he’s running in the opposite direction, you may want to check the “words of inspiration” that have been allowed to come out of your mouth! They may sound more like “nothing sweet” instead of “sweet nothings”!
Truth is, men love compliments just as much as any woman does. He desires to be told you like his hair cut, he’s handsome, he’s wearing that suit, he’s good at this or that. I promise you, you will be amazed at how much motivation moves a man when a compliment is given! And a compliment from his wife is better than a compliment from anyone else. You know why? Because she sees the sides of him, that no one else sees. She sees when he’s not in a good mood; when his attitude sucks; when his words are critical; when he paces the floor in worry or fear; when his teeth aren’t brushed; his hair isn’t combed; his body isn’t freshly out the shower; and when he’s not spic-and-span Sunday morning spotless! She hears the complaints, the anger, the frustrations, that few others hear. So when she can see ALL of that side of him, and still have a melodious tune of encouragement, he can trust her words like no other, because no other has seen him at his behind the scenes, closed doors worse, like she has! That’s why as wives, your tune can’t change based on situations, circumstances, emotions, moods and feelings. Your tune has to remain consistent. And the only way for that to be accomplished is by practice. So, whose feet are you sitting at, so you can learn how to walk as a better wife? Who do you have training you to win the game of marriage?
Now here’s a memory for a summer vacation scrapbook. You got kissed by a dolphin! Well, you may say, “No thank you”. But it happens to people every day at “Sea World”, a park where you can see whales and fish and seals do these amazing tricks. Those dolphins however, are something else! They will jump through hoops (I wish we could get kids to do that), they’ll dance on their tails, and oh yeah, did I mention jumping out of the water and kissing tourists?
But if you want to understand why they do all this neat stuff, you have to watch what they do after each trick. They swim around the pool and straight for the guy/girl with the bag! You know what’s in that bag. Fish! Yummy fish! If you want a dolphin to do something, give him a fish and he’ll do it again! As comical as it sounds, husbands are a lot like that! I really do think the male species of the human race has a lot in common with those dolphins at Sea World. You see, if you give them a “fish” when they do something good, they’ll want to jump through that hoop again and again!
Leo F. Buscaglia said it best: “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
Some women seem to believe that the best way to get their man to improve is to nag him into it, to shame him into it, or to criticize him into doing it. Well, I got news for you, the Bible describes two kinds of women in Proverbs 14:1 “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” God’s Word Translation says it like this: “The wisest of women builds up her home, but a stupid one tears it down with her own hands.” There are some things that a woman does that build the people she cares about, and there are others that like a demolition crew, just tear them completely down! That’s why it’s so important to keep in mind the following quote: “Many acts of service cost nothing and take little time: Encouragement, Compliments, Listening, Gratitude, and Compassion.” Complimenting your husband costs you Nothing, but it will Greatly Increase His Self-Worth and Value! Complimenting your husband takes No Time At All, but He Will Hold It Dear For a Lifetime! Chris Rock said: “There are only three things women need in life: Food, Water, and Compliments”. Well, as comical as it sounds, Men Need the Very Same Things!
Now there’s no question that every man needs a lot of work (so do we women)! But if you approach your husband like your personal home improvement project, like “I’ve got to fix this guy!” you’ll probably keep him from changing! Is it stubbornness? Ego? Deafness? I’m not sure, but I do know that when a man is pushed, he tends to go the other way, not come in your direction!
Part of love is what I heard called “Mirroring” – which is holding up a mirror to the person you love and letting them know what you see when you look at them. Unfortunately, we tend to be a lot better at mirroring the things we Don’t like than some of the good things about that person that we Do. But it’s in affirming the good that we give a person the courage and the encouragement to work on the rest. Remember: “Everybody likes a compliment” (Abraham Lincoln). Even Mark Twain said: “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”
As a Wife, Your Greatest Blessing Comes From Blessing Your Own Husband!
If you want to Improve Your Husband or Help Your Husband Become Better, Then Bring Him Good, Bring Him Value by Telling Him What’s Good about Him! Praise Him When He Does Something Right, Even If It’s Just a Small Improvement! Give Him a Fish (so to speak, like the Dolphins) If You Want Him To Do It Some More! Or, as one of my Mentors says, “Water What You Want To Grow.” When you consistently have a ministry of encouragement and affirmation in your husband’s life, he feels Safe! And a man won’t risk changing unless he’s in a place where he feels Safe! And if he feels Safe and Valued by You, he’s a lot more likely to listen when you need to tell him something that’s hard to hear! He’ll Know You Love Him and that You Want Him to Be the Best He Can Be!
Speaking of being a ‘safe place’ for your husband. I remember the experience of sleeping with my husband for the first time. The most mentally exhausting part was knowing that I wasn’t comfortable in my own body. I didn’t like the little stretch marks; the acne etc. And I absolutely refused to sleep with him with the lights on, and I refused for him to see me get naked in front of him. I was insecure and fragile because of it. What caused me to change was my husband’s constant words of affirmation. It was the first time that I’d ever felt ‘safe’ with a man in such an intimate manner. My husband was a lot like Caleb’s wife, he would constantly reassure me in the areas where I felt most unsure. Wives, it’s important to do this for your husband’s too, especially if there’s an area that you’re believing God to change in him. No one likes to be exposed, especially when they know how many flaws they have. But I dare you to become your husband’s safe place and watch the change that takes place!
Billy Graham’s wife, Ruth, had a wonderful outlook on this. She said, “It is my job to love Billy. It’s God’s job to change him!” That says it better than I ever could!
Remember: You compliment him, and that will encourage him to let God change him!
Many men come home tired from the day’s journey of running here, there and everywhere. And few things mean more to a man than to know that he will find an “I love you” at the finish line. I think a man can handle almost anything if he’s sure that he will be safe and appreciated and loved when he gets home. You know, “All’s well that ends well.” Lots of pressure, lots of stress, but most men can handle it when they know there’s going to be security at the finish line.
And there are a lot of ways to say it to him. First, just verbally express it. And don’t just say, “I love you until further notice.” No, tell him often. Touch him affectionately. Provide peace in the house as much as possible when he arrives home; maybe that special meal or special card or special note. Now, it’s hard, because you’ve had a long run too. But God will give you strength to put your husband first when you feel like being first yourself.
I often hear, particularly in counseling sessions, that it’s the wife/mother that carries the whole household, and everything else. And for many, that may be the absolute truth. I’ve been in those shoes, and it’s a painful walk. But I also know that there are still good men/good husbands that are working just as hard as the women in their lives. And that should be acknowledged and celebrated. We do a lot of man bashing, but when do we do some man boasting? They’re not all bad. In fact, some are stay at home dads that take care of the kids, clean the house and cook. Others go to work, and bring home a paycheck that provides and protects their families. There are some at work, some at school, some in the military, some are CEO’s and some are janitors, and they are all good men and good husbands, that deserve their flowers, cards, candy and gifts too. Don’t let the world’s skewed view of such a beautiful holiday like Valentine’s Day for instance, cause you to think that it’s just for women alone. If you have good men in your life, especially good husbands, celebrate them (visibly, verbally and tangibly). Motivate them, encourage them, speak well of them, compliment them, love them, and do so publicly and privately. It’s what pushed Caleb, and it’s what presses the Dolphins to do trick after trick to make everyone happy, because there’s always a wonderful treat at the end.
Wise women, let’s build our houses and build our men/husbands and keep them safe, secure, intact, and strong. Maintain a great foundation of love, not just for one day, but for the other 365 as well. Everyday holds within it seconds, minutes, and hours of opportunity to show your love to your loved ones. Don’t let another moment pass by, because in a very untimely fashion, one of those seconds will be the last.
So, older women, get to work! There’s some younger wives that desperately need your wisdom to develop into better wives. There are even those who are yet to be wives, that need to see you walk this out in front of them so they know all the work that is to come, following the wedding day and honeymoon. Get on your post and teach and train wives to do what the bible says they are to do:
“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so TRAIN the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”
Older women, make sure you haven’t walked off the job as a wife trainer! It’s vital that you continue to teach what is good, and how younger wives are to love their husband and even their children. Yes, you have a full curriculum you need to teach so that we all become better women, wives and mothers. We need you to train us on how to be self-controlled in a world that’s so fleshly impulsive; teach us how to remain pure in a world that wants us to believe that contamination is NOT poison; teach us to be busy working at home, not just at our jobs, careers, churches and ministries, but teach us to take better care of our own homes! Teach us to be kind in a world that allows cruel to be the order of the day, every day. Teach us to be submissive to our own husbands, more-so than to any other man whether it be our pastor or boss! And why is all of this so important? So, ‘…that the Word of God may not be reviled.’
Let’s look at that verse in a few translations:
“…so that the Word of God will not be dishonored.” (AMP)
“…that the Word of God may not be exposed to reproach (blasphemed or discredited).” (AMPC)
“…so that God’s Word won’t be ridiculed.” (CEB)
“…Then no one can say insulting things about God’s message.” (CEV)
“…Then no one will be able to criticize the teaching God gave us.” (ERV)
“…Then no one can speak evil of God’s Word.” (GWT)
“…so that the Christian faith can’t be spoken against by those who know them.” (TLB)
“…We don’t want anyone looking down on God’s Message because of their behavior.” (MSG)
“…Then they will not bring shame on the Word of God.” (NLT)
Older women/wives, it is your responsibility to teach younger wives and train them well, because it is to protect the Reputation of God; the Word of God; and the Christian Faith as a whole! Any poor behavior of a wife reflects negatively on all of that! Older Women, don’t drop the ball, this is too important to treat carelessly. Therefore, today, Game On, Wife Trainers Let’s Get to Work! The Word of God is Counting on You!
Much Love, Dr. Shermaine #EnjoyTheRead #BeInspired #BeEncouraged #BeEmpowered #BeChallenged #ShareTheWord
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